I feel a void. I feel noise. I feel chaos. I fee change. Everything is in turmoil and yet nothing is really changing physically.
I recently bought a house. Finally. After years and years of waiting, hunting, looking, and re-looking, we finally finalized on one and ‘settled’. The house is everything that I ever wished for. And more. 🙂
But, keeping the house beautiful, well, that’s another story. Some other day.
Life at work is beyond hectic. And, work-load is not the only thing that keeps it busy. There’s so much drama and happenings, I’ve started to wonder if I’ve become a real-life version of some TV series, like Suits. Pretty much, every week, there’s some news, some thing that happens which needs discussion, cajoling people, handling people’s drama, worrying about people leaving, worrying about hiring, worrying about working, worrying about not working at all. It seems life is a roller coaster even without much happening.
On the outside, there’s nothing really changing. But, I feel myself changing. With each episode of conflict or upheaval, I find myself getting distanced from people.
I thrive in people, I enjoy conversations and discussions. But now, it seems I need to stay away from people. And discussions. The less you talk, the lesser the chance of anyone lying to you. Of you realizing that somebody broke your trust. Of learning that you thought you were respected but actually, they don’t think so highly of you, after all. On the contrary, they perhaps think of you as a naive wannabe. People around me share secrets with each other. They practically share details which they shouldn’t be sharing with anyone at work, at all. And, they share it with people casually. Without any promises of keep-it-to-yourself. But, I am in no such circles. I have no one coming to me with their secrets. Probably, it’s a two-way street and since I don’t hand-out such details, no one comes to me with them either. But, I feel a breach of trust there too.
Am I being too emotional and expecting a little too much from people. Am I even cut out for the role I’ve taken?
I find the job making changes to me. My persona, my values, my limits. I wanted that, yes. But, am I ready to take in all changes? I’m not sure. Sometimes, when I look at people ahead of me, in this path that I’ve chosen, I don’t really like the samples. I don’t want to become any one of them. But, something tells me, no one is same, even after taking the same path. So, perhaps, I’ll create something new. I’ll make some different choices. But, will I be able to do a good job of it? Will I be a better example by the time I finish, or would I have created another sample of what-not-to-become?
Only one way to find out.