Posted in Growth, Learning, Love, Personal, Philosophy, Relationships, Self-growth, Uncategorized


Remember the lines?

Waterwater everywhere, / Nor any drop to drink’ from the poem ‘The Rime of the Ancient Mariner’? The sailor was stuck in sea, surrounded by salt water, and had no water to drink.

Well, I feel the same way. Just with people. The world is overflowing with people. The population is growing at alarming rates and if you’re living in the developing nations like us, then you can practically see the overflow in front of your bleeding eyes.

And yet, we have reached that point in civilization, where people are more connected virtually, than in real.

I ache to find one person, just one person whom I can talk my heart out. With no fear of judgement, or payback, or consequences. You may have a plethora of relations – parents, spouse, kids, friends, co-workers, helping staff, and what not. But, is there anyone with whom you share everything? With whom you don’t filter?

Perhaps if you’re a teenager/kid, who still lives in the innocent world, this may hold true.

I recently talked and accepted my darkest fears and wants to a complete stranger. She was a Tarot Card Reader. I don’t know if I believe in her predictions/readings. I just needed to pour out my fears. I perhaps just needed to accept the state I was in, to myself.

I didn’t cry. I didn’t joke about it.

I just stated the facts. Some of them were rude, mean, pure selfish, dark thoughts.

When I returned home, I was surprised to think of how openly and freely I said all those things to her. She was also a pretty good listener. I give her credit for not letting her body language give away her judgement. Neither did her words. She just listened. And that was the best thing anyone could give anyone in pain. A listening ear.

But, I want to know, why do I need any listening ear? Why is it so important to have some other human being listen to your ramblings? It doesn’t change anything. The person can make no changes to your situation. The resolutions, if they give, will probably not work in the complicated thing called life. They don’t even have the complete perspective of your situation. No one has lived your life. No one will ever be able to fill your shoes and look at things the way you do. So, why is it so important to know what other(s) think? Why do I have this primal need of acceptance from another human being? And, when I already know that it’s impossible to be completely and totally accepted in this world, by anyone.

When will I be enough for myself? When will I love myself unequivocally? I wish I could.

Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Challenges, Growth, Personal, Relationships, Society, Uncategorized

Of choices

Dear Diary,

Life is back to normal again. After a long time of upheaval and uncertainties, it is where it was, and it seems, the sea is calm, yet again.

Normally, times of upheaval /difficulties usually signify the time of improvement, growth. So far, it usually ended with some significant change in my life – a milestone. This time, however, it hasn’t changed much. Maybe I hit the rock bottom and I am back to the surface, breathing, so that’s a big achievement! Not sure, though.

As I reflect on those times, I do try to gather what I learnt (coz there must be!). The first one and the only one so far, is it was all my choice. The times tested which way I go, and I made my choice. Whether it was about supporting my husband in his venture, or not-leaving my job for my ailing child (who is now fine), or not moving back to my in-laws house because of societal pressure, or about not-giving up when everything seemed to be going wrong at my job. I took a stand. I decided for myself. It didn’t seem so when it was all happening. But, now, I can see that that is how it all went.

As I always say – ‘ There is no right or wrong a choice. It is about what actions you follow it with, which decide whether the choice was wrong or right’.

So, when I did decide to move out of my in-laws house, it was a major decision. A decision which most would term as ‘wrong’, but by working extra-hard towards keeping the relations healthy, happy, I could heal them. I could make the decision right. Now, not only am I happy, they are able to find their happiness in this setup too. It wasn’t easy. Neither for me, nor for them. But, if the intentions are right, and if you value the relations, it does work out. Today, we’re considered a happy unit again (‘us’ and ‘them’ together).

When Anay fell sick, and had to be hospitalized, everyone questioned our decision of moving out. It made sense to keep the child home instead of sending him to the day care and opening him to so many infections. That was a time even my husband thought that it’s the right thing to do, to move back. But, I knew, I had made a choice. And, it was time to make the choice right. So, I decided that we won’t undo what we had done. I decided we will try to make it work by working it out with our offices. And, it seemingly did. It was tough. Both our careers were at stake. But, when you have a baby, you don’t have it to give away to your parents to take care. You take care of your child. And, if you cannot take care of him/her because of your career, then you need to figure out how to make it work. Not brush your hands off the child by handing over the responsibility. Yes, my child requires his grandparents and their love. He needs loads of them. I keep visiting. I let him have his way, a lot of times. But, I don’t want to use it as an excuse to get rid of my responsibility.

Because of this part-time story, my job went into a deep shit. Things went out of hand pretty suddenly. What came as a warning sounded more like a death bell. While moving to a different job was an obvious choice, it would have meant accepting defeat and letting go of all the hard work I had done in my past 4 years at the company. I was ready to move-on in terms of job. I wasn’t ready to leave on bad terms. I didn’t want to leave because I failed at the job I took. I wanted to prove I was worth it. I wanted to prove it was a phase that I went through.

‘And, it does not define me’.

It took a lot of courage, lot of self-introspection and letting go of personal limitations to get over it. It meant facing people head-on. Having arguments of personal level and yet keeping it totally professional. No tears, No emotions. They say, once relations go sour, it is almost impossible to mend them back. This time, I can say, I mended them. I would never be able to forget the scar, but I mended it enough so that I don’t have to run from my current situation. I can work. I can go to a happy place to work. And, if later, I want to switch because I would like to, professionally, then I would. But, for now, there’s no rush.

Well Well! So, that was my last adventure. And, as I see my calm sea again, I wonder and yawn. I wonder what the next adventure would be, and when it would be. Because Life is the only adventure which keeps my adrenaline high.

Hoping for a rocking life ahead! Coz I ain’t done yet! 😉


Posted in Ambitions, Growth, Personal, Self-growth, Society, Uncategorized

Let the spirit rise above the ashes

Dear Diary,

It happens, yet again. And I’m reminded of all things that passed. Simple incidents. Meaningless incidents. And yet they have a capacity of causing your entire being to fall back into its original state of helplessness and negative loops. Why! Why is the mind so fickle!? Perhaps it’s not the mind but the soul which needs empowerment. Empowerment to overcome the senses.

It is only you and you only who can stop that loop which your mind falls into. Those meaningless conversations which keep going on in your head have no other result but a heartache and a pertinent headache -both of which hurt only you. The conversations which never happened and will actually never happen. They change nothing. Of no consequence. If it is so troubling for you, go ahead and reach out to the person and do that conversation ‘actually’, in real. And, if you do not have the courage or do not believe the reason is important enough, then stop. Stop right there.

You Are Capable. You can stop this decay of your being if you put your mind to.

I resolve not to let my spirit become a slave to my senses.

I resolve not to let my tongue/taste force me to fall sick further.

I resolve not to let my mind force me to believe that I can never be fit again.

I resolve not to let my injuries force me to believe that I can never dance again.

As long as I live, I will live it full.

Just start working, Stop thinking.


Posted in Adult Life, Personal, Relationships, Society, Uncategorized

The War within – Emotions vs Actions

Dear Diary,

I often wonder why are we taught to control our emotions, to hide our emotions? For example, if you’re extremely angry, you should try and avoid taking it out right then. If you’re extremely happy, try not to show it too much. If you’re upset with someone, think rationally before just taking it all out.

Is it really that bad to vent out right then? I agree that whatever we feel or say is sometimes extreme when we’re angry but then isn’t everyone smart enough to understand and let it be at just that – a fit of anger, an outburst of emotions…?

I feel that suppressed emotions cause more damage than extreme, long pent-up outbursts. Whenever I have had an outburst, I’ve been wrong and guilty at the end of it, for speaking too much, or feeling so negative. But, it has liberated me. I immediately feel relieved. Of all worries, of all bad thoughts, of all negativities, of even unwanted desires. And the days lost writhing in pain/misery/negativities end up giving so many health problems! Why to do that?

Isn’t it the actions that should decide whether a person is right/wrong? I may have an urge to kill someone, hurt someone, scheme against someone. But those are only urges and should mean nothing as long as I don’t act on my urges. Then why do we start judging when a person says ‘I have an urge to cheat on my partner’, or that ‘I feel hatred towards my parents’, or ‘I feel like my child is a burden and life would have been so much free/fun without them’.

And if it is the action that decides the right/wrong, then why keep all those emotions hidden? Sometimes just taking those emotions out solves most of the problem. Isn’t it?

But, that is not how the world operates. That is not how people expect you to behave and they don’t behave that way either. So, if you start behaving that way, people will start judging you more by your words than your actions. Because, everyone is just looking for your low-points. Times when you did something wrong and use it against you when you’re at a high. I can’t imagine my in-laws understanding that it was just an outburst of emotions and not something I had/have on my mind all the time. I can’t expect my manager to just forget what I said in my angry moment, and not use it to decide/judge me at the time of my performance review.

Hence, that’s how the world will always operate. Sigh!


Posted in Uncategorized

Days like these..

Dear Diary,

The heart cries but the eyes don’t. Not sure when I learnt this art. Or, perhaps the eyes have dried up. I remember, till my days of adolescence, I used to cry easy. Not like crying to the girly stuff like losing ear-rings, or anything, but I was very emotional. If I was emotionally hurt, I would cry. And, cry heartily. Now, even when I’m hurt, or bruised, or not feeling emotionally well, I am unable to cry. Even when I want to, I’m unable to.

Crying heals. It helps you vent out the emotions and the dark thoughts growing inside you. It helps you get over the negativity. I think my body has increased its levels of accepting negativity. I think my body is changing. I don’t lose my temper often but when I lose it, I get supremely angry. I am unable to control my reaction, or unable to contain it inside me. If I started shouting to take it out, I wouldn’t be able to stop shouting at my will. I think it is a medical condition.

But, in India, you don’t consider you/anyone is ill unless you/they are unable to get up from the bed. So, no one thinks you need to go to a doctor.
I think I do. I think I have signs of depression.

Days like today when nothing is really wrong in life, but I’m not happy/healthy. I feel like going for a trip/vacation. I feel like being alone/away from all this that I call life right now. The heart is crying but the eyes are not.

Be with me.
Take care.