Life is back to normal again. After a long time of upheaval and uncertainties, it is where it was, and it seems, the sea is calm, yet again.
Normally, times of upheaval /difficulties usually signify the time of improvement, growth. So far, it usually ended with some significant change in my life – a milestone. This time, however, it hasn’t changed much. Maybe I hit the rock bottom and I am back to the surface, breathing, so that’s a big achievement! Not sure, though.
As I reflect on those times, I do try to gather what I learnt (coz there must be!). The first one and the only one so far, is it was all my choice. The times tested which way I go, and I made my choice. Whether it was about supporting my husband in his venture, or not-leaving my job for my ailing child (who is now fine), or not moving back to my in-laws house because of societal pressure, or about not-giving up when everything seemed to be going wrong at my job. I took a stand. I decided for myself. It didn’t seem so when it was all happening. But, now, I can see that that is how it all went.
As I always say – ‘ There is no right or wrong a choice. It is about what actions you follow it with, which decide whether the choice was wrong or right’.
So, when I did decide to move out of my in-laws house, it was a major decision. A decision which most would term as ‘wrong’, but by working extra-hard towards keeping the relations healthy, happy, I could heal them. I could make the decision right. Now, not only am I happy, they are able to find their happiness in this setup too. It wasn’t easy. Neither for me, nor for them. But, if the intentions are right, and if you value the relations, it does work out. Today, we’re considered a happy unit again (‘us’ and ‘them’ together).
When Anay fell sick, and had to be hospitalized, everyone questioned our decision of moving out. It made sense to keep the child home instead of sending him to the day care and opening him to so many infections. That was a time even my husband thought that it’s the right thing to do, to move back. But, I knew, I had made a choice. And, it was time to make the choice right. So, I decided that we won’t undo what we had done. I decided we will try to make it work by working it out with our offices. And, it seemingly did. It was tough. Both our careers were at stake. But, when you have a baby, you don’t have it to give away to your parents to take care. You take care of your child. And, if you cannot take care of him/her because of your career, then you need to figure out how to make it work. Not brush your hands off the child by handing over the responsibility. Yes, my child requires his grandparents and their love. He needs loads of them. I keep visiting. I let him have his way, a lot of times. But, I don’t want to use it as an excuse to get rid of my responsibility.
Because of this part-time story, my job went into a deep shit. Things went out of hand pretty suddenly. What came as a warning sounded more like a death bell. While moving to a different job was an obvious choice, it would have meant accepting defeat and letting go of all the hard work I had done in my past 4 years at the company. I was ready to move-on in terms of job. I wasn’t ready to leave on bad terms. I didn’t want to leave because I failed at the job I took. I wanted to prove I was worth it. I wanted to prove it was a phase that I went through.
‘And, it does not define me’.
It took a lot of courage, lot of self-introspection and letting go of personal limitations to get over it. It meant facing people head-on. Having arguments of personal level and yet keeping it totally professional. No tears, No emotions. They say, once relations go sour, it is almost impossible to mend them back. This time, I can say, I mended them. I would never be able to forget the scar, but I mended it enough so that I don’t have to run from my current situation. I can work. I can go to a happy place to work. And, if later, I want to switch because I would like to, professionally, then I would. But, for now, there’s no rush.
Well Well! So, that was my last adventure. And, as I see my calm sea again, I wonder and yawn. I wonder what the next adventure would be, and when it would be. Because Life is the only adventure which keeps my adrenaline high.
Hoping for a rocking life ahead! Coz I ain’t done yet! 😉
I find myself too confused lately. Unable to follow my conviction. 2016 was a hard-year. I’m not yet ready to write about it. Maybe I just want to forget it. Well, I know, they are invaluable lessons of my life. Part of my growing up. But, for now, the memories are too painful to talk about. A lot of it is full of guilt and self-realisations. Because of that, I no longer am able to trust my intuitions, my conviction, my mind, or my heart. This hasn’t happened since, well, 2009.
My astrology readings tell me that 2009 was my golden period. It was the time my Sun was in my favour. And, the phase was supposed to stay for 7 yrs. Those 7 yrs have come to an end (obviously). Even the bad phases, like Shani are supposed to stay for 7 yrs, but they seem to be never-ending. I was reflecting on what I achieved in those 7 yrs. In the good 7 yrs. If they were my golden 7yrs then perhaps those were my most productive years too. Well – I got married, gave birth to a wonderful child, found success in my job. Perhaps, enough to stay contented for a lifetime!
But, for me, it seems too little. Oh! I can never be happy! What else could I get to make myself happy!? Truly contented?
But tell me, will any person ever tell you that getting married was the biggest achievement of there life? From all that I’ve gathered from my married life, happiness in a relationship is a constant endeavour. Just because you were married to a great guy doesn’t guarantee you will be happy with each other forever! A lot is how you handle it later and if your ambitions and paths remain connected all life long. And becoming a mother, it’s the best feeling and a blessing, but with a child born every second, in India alone, I fail to feel lucky about it.
When I reflect on the time and feel dismal about not achieving anything, I wonder what I wanted? Honestly speaking, I wanted to find my passion. I wanted to reach to the profession that I was meant for. Even today, I wonder what if I had pursued that MBA after all. Despite achieving success in my profession, I don’t find myself feeling like – ‘I’ve arrived!’. I don’t see that urge to learn more, to try more, to give it more. It’s just work.
I again want to branch out and try. After being working for 10 yrs, it’s not easy shifting. It’s not just that you would need to work harder to make your mark, there is no guarantee you’ll be able to make your mark, your place, as you were able to make here. The thought of leaving the safety net, of taking the plunge without the rope, the risk is too high. And, that makes taking the plunge even harder. Tarun is obviously against it. He tries to urge me to think again, to continue where I am. I feel as if he’s already stopping me from moving ahead in life. I’m sure he’s also concerned about the safety net, just as I am, but I want him to support me in taking risks, just as I did, for him.
But, this is no barter system. You can’t expect the person to do you favours because you did some by them. It’s a common life for both of you. And each decision has repercussions on all our lives. Not just mine.
I feel old. This country, this setup, they make you feel old and done with, in 10 yrs of your work ex. You’re already amongst the ones who have been there for long. And you feel this void, of there’s nothing more for me to achieve or look up to.
I don’t want that. I want to live my life like there’s no end. Even when it is the end. I want that energy, that passion, that hope…of a tomorrow. Forever!
It happens, yet again. And I’m reminded of all things that passed. Simple incidents. Meaningless incidents. And yet they have a capacity of causing your entire being to fall back into its original state of helplessness and negative loops. Why! Why is the mind so fickle!? Perhaps it’s not the mind but the soul which needs empowerment. Empowerment to overcome the senses.
It is only you and you only who can stop that loop which your mind falls into. Those meaningless conversations which keep going on in your head have no other result but a heartache and a pertinent headache -both of which hurt only you. The conversations which never happened and will actually never happen. They change nothing. Of no consequence. If it is so troubling for you, go ahead and reach out to the person and do that conversation ‘actually’, in real. And, if you do not have the courage or do not believe the reason is important enough, then stop. Stop right there.
You Are Capable. You can stop this decay of your being if you put your mind to.
I resolve not to let my spirit become a slave to my senses.
I resolve not to let my tongue/taste force me to fall sick further.
I resolve not to let my mind force me to believe that I can never be fit again.
I resolve not to let my injuries force me to believe that I can never dance again.
As long as I live, I will live it full.
Just start working, Stop thinking.
ना मेरा कोई धर्म, ना मेरी कोई धारा
This question had remained with me all this while. I now seem to have reached its answer.
The answer is – you don’t control what happens in your life. You control how you react to it. Your reaction is your choice. What happens is destiny. What you do about it is your choice. And this choice shapes what follows in your life.
Now, I understand, even after doing MBA, there are thousands of people who’re actually starting from a much lower position than us engineers. But, I also realized was what I actually wanted from it was, some intelligent, thinking people in whose company I spend my days. I wanted to be an important person in my company and I had somehow attached that importance to ‘MBA’.
Reminds me of the quote in Harry Potter by our very own J K Rowling:
“But he understood at last what Dumbledore had been trying to tell him. It was, he thought, the difference between being dragged into the arena to face a battle to the death and walking into the arena with your head held high. Some people, perhaps, would say that there was little to choose between the two ways, but Dumbledore knew — and so do I, thought Harry, with a rush of fierce pride, and so did my parents — that there was all the difference in the world.
Some dreams never leave you. They keep bugging you, sometimes softly, sometimes strongly. Similar is my dream for living abroad. Maybe it’s my weakness towards the grass on the other side of the fence. More than my own farm, I end up envying over the green pastures on the other side. Well, never mind. This too shall pass!
So, as I discussed in my last post, I was strongly thinking of quitting my job so that I could take care of my son. All my life, I’ve always believed that working women take equally good care of their children as home-makers. My Mom was working and took extremely good care of me and my brother. So, I could too. Now, the myth was broken. So, here were the constraints:
It’s okay if he’s watching too much TV. It’s a phase and shall pass. It’s okay if he’s fooling around and wasting his time. Trust God that it’ll teach him something too.
I went to Jaipur a few weeks ago. Anyone of you living in NCR region, would have visited Jaipur once, even if it’s for the sake of a weekend getaway. It’s one of the contenders.
Well, I have visited Jaipur couple of times before but this time was special because I visited it as a company offsite. The special attractions?
– We stayed in a Taj Heritage property, which makes the whole thing ‘rich’.
– Since Tarun was gone to US, it was a trip I made alone with Anay.
– This was my first company offsite truly as an employee. Because the husband was not there. I had attended previous offsites as well but I was mostly considered the spouse in this family outing that an employee.
If I had to define the offsite in one word, it would be defined in only one – ‘Freedom’.
Tarun has almost always given me a lot of freedom. It terms of what I wear, what I can do, dance, talk to people, pretty much whatever you do, as a usual good-girl-life. This is how I thought. But after attending this, I realized what ‘freedom’ was. How it used to be, before I was married. How a person does change in the vicinity of another. No matter how much your spouse is understanding and open, no one can give you that ‘space’ that an actual distance can.
In this trip, I enjoyed with Anay. I handled him alone. From going from home to the railway station, handling the luggage and the child. Of course, colleagues helped me a lot all through, but still. Then, managing his 3-meals!! His brush, bath, dress-up, meal, then play, then story, then again play, till he’s exhausted to just sleep. It was all great. On multiple occasions I was surprised that how smooth it was all going. Despite that Tarun was not there, I wasn’t facing much difficulty. I know, a lot of it parameters contribute to the experience. The fact that we were in a hotel, makes Anay very happy. Then, he gets to eat a lot of variety which he enjoys much more than the usual ghar-ka-khana. Then, I had no worries of any work to handle. No one ‘monitoring’ my actions with Anay. I can’t explain what a reliever it was. He didn’t play much with other kids, though many did come to him. But, it didn’t irk me. I was enjoying with him. I really enjoyed this two-some time with my son.
And, I was not missing much of action from the company offsite either.
From the company’s perspective, the trip allowed me to interact with others that I never did in previous offsites. There were people always in my room, preparing for their dance events. Though I was not participating in it because of my knee, I was still organizing it, for my team. And that was equal fun. That way, I didn’t feel left out. Dance really makes me free. It makes me ‘smile’. Really smile. And if I couldn’t be a part of it, I would have really felt broken. Even without dancing, I had to be a part of it somehow. And I did. 🙂
I dressed up in the hottest of the dresses I had. One I got right before going for the offsite. My MIL chose it with me. 🙂 She had no issues with my dress choices. She was rather giving me opinions on the dress combinations, when I was packing my bags. I think I should pat my back on how far she and I have come, in that department. It feels nice. Really nice.
And how I looked, how it went, I knew from the glances. Thanks very much, folks. 😛 😉 It was really satisfying, trust me!
I had doubts if anyone would try to take an advantage, any misdemeanors of any sort, seeing that my husband is not there, and I was travelling alone. Though there are all decent ones in my office, but the Evil never comes in a black-suit and fangs, anyways. So, I was cautious at the back of my mind, always. And I am glad that I had all the happy memories from the trip.
Personally, the trip was so gratifying. Taking this time away from the spouse, which is basically the-protection-cover, is so relieving. It brings you close to yourself. Your real-self. It tells you what you’re hiding. In that cover at the top. Because you’re so many roles now. This time tells you what you would have been if you were none of this. It tells you what all you can manage, and you never thought you could. It tells you of how you would have done, when actually you used to think you would be so much better at it.
It is like bringing a mirror and looking closely. Looking at your soul.
And, mine is so beautiful. ‘Hello there, beautiful.’
Every woman has so much potential, so much rigour, so much power, trapped inside her, that if you remove all these prejudices, these society-set responsibilities and actions, and expectations, she can achieve much much more.
I’m feeling alive after a long time.