Of a friend

Have you ever had a friend who was a best friend for you? A confidante, a lighthouse in those times of darkness and hopelessness.. a safe heaven, a no-judgements unconditional friend. No romance, pure friendship.

And the friend is no longer in your life?

I once had one. And I let him go. I miss him dearly. Often.

There are times when I want to connect back with him. These are mostly the times when I miss the safe place to go and hide. Or mostly cry my heart out. I remember I once went to his house and cried. He couldn’t fix anything but, giving me that moment to let it out, he did that.

It’s strange. I don’t cry in front of people. I hate showing my weak side. I hide (or mostly try to) my tears even from my husband or my parents, people you’re supposedly closest to. But I felt okay to cry in front of him.

It’s so strange that I’ve made so many friends after him, some are close too, but no one is what he was. I had a girl who became my friend, around same time as him. Good friend. Still a friend. But I cannot talk everything with her. No where near.

It’s strange that I miss him so much and yet I do not connect back with him. He’s just a phone call away. I have his number.

Actually, I am scared. I don’t want to spoil this memory of my safe heaven. I don’t want to find the reality. I don’t want to find that things have changed. That I have changed or he has changed.

I need that memory to remind me of the good times to get through the dark ones. A false hope that if things got worst, he would still be there and have my back.

-Hope