Of tough times

Dear Diary,

These are tough times for our family. Me, T, MIL, FIL, SILs, my Mom, my brother. Pretty much everyone is struggling with some major problem or the other.

Without going into details of what’s the individual problems, I want to reflect on this phase. As I face concerns, both personally, as an individual, as well as a wife, a co-sister to my SILs, as a sister and a daughter, I reflect on my behavior. On my actions. On my reaction to situations.

And, I find myself doing wonderful. Amazingly wonderful.

No, I’m not fixing any of their problems. I don’t have the capability to fix. I can only handle it at my end.

T is confused which way should he go. The family pressure and the time it is taking to succeed at his business, is taking a toll on him. He feels the pressure to get back to job. He’s doubtful if his decision of quitting and getting into business was right or not. To see his sisters in need, and to not be able to help, is a very difficult position for a dutiful brother. He wants to help. It irks him a great deal when he sees his loved-ones in trouble. Then, he feels responsible for the troubles I’m going through too. He wants to fix it as soon as he can.

As a wife, I’ve the dual responsibility of being the supporter, as well as the check-point for him. I want to support him in this uphill task he’s taken upon himself. I also need to keep warning him of going astray. I feel the pressure of failure too. As much as I see my life wonderfully taken care of, if he gets back to his job…as much as I see it all a way of life I’m too aware and comfortable with, I can’t let him do that. I as much know that it is not what he wants. He quit job because he really wanted to do business. He wanted to work on his idea. He still is passionate about it. The major attraction job has for him is that it’ll mean extra income to pump into his business idea. That’s all. Should he get back to the corporate world just because he needs money for what he likes doing? Should he get back to it just because his family needs that money flow? Perhaps the answer is yes. Or, strongly, the answer is no.

I don’t know. I just know that whichever path he takes, he should do it with the complete knowledge that it is something he’ll have to do forever. He needs to be totally convinced with the reasons he has for joining job. Or, he needs to completely understand the stakes if he continues with his tread towards his goal in business.

I think the real pressure has come on him, to succeed, only now. The pressure which every person requires while heading towards a goal.

In all this, my perspective is, I need to support him from family side, and financially. My financial support only goes up to the family requirements. If he needs money for his business, he needs to arrange by himself. I give him a hearing ear when he needs it. I give him an earful, when he needs that, too 😛 I take care of all the family chores.

Is it stressful for me? Is it easy for me? It is stressful at times. When I don’t get to go anywhere in the evenings because I’ve to be home, I do feel the heat. I feel agitated when getting time for a simple walk, or a visit to the parlor, keeps getting pushed week-by-week because I’m busy/ because I cannot be excused. I feel stressed when I’ve a tiring day at work and Anay decides to give me an elongated hour of feeding him his food. Sometimes, the mental pressure gets to me where I’m unsure if I’m doing the right thing in supporting him in this insanity.

There’s a lot we’re putting aside for this dream. None of us know whether we’ll succeed or not. In a way, somehow, I’m not bothered by the results. If he succeeds in his business, I will achieve my dream of ‘being the woman behind the successful man’. If he fails in this, he’ll  realize that he does his job best and that’s what he’ll get back to, contentedly. And, we’ll both look at this phase as another wonderful adventure in our ‘Book of Life together’.

And, for this learning, for this positive approach in troubled waters, I’m so thankful to God. And give myself, a pat on my back. 🙂

Hope this stays.

 

-Hoping Hope

Social or Fake?

Dear Diary,

As I lay in bed, trying to find a new activity every day, to pass my time, I think of people who didn’t call me. I don’t care much for the social, formality-sake calls, but I worry about the ones those I expected and didn’t come. A particular person, a close one, who was sure to call, called but not to me, but to family. I wonder why. Did I say something that hurt her? I think back to our last meeting, our last conversation. Ohh! I think I hurt her. But, I didn’t intend to. I was purely citing that example to share my pain, on her situation, on her pain. Of my fears. Ohh Dear! 😦 I feel sad to have hurt her. But, how could she take me wrong. I was just sharing. 😦

I remember all such past incidences, when I lost people. People who were important to me, but whom I hurt in my naivety. Just because I said something. But then, it never is just one instance. I am sure it was more. There must have been episodes before that, and it was just the last nail in the coffin. I don’t realize my mistake until it reaches this last, when the people just snap. Snap the relationship. Snap the contact. I am left with no choice but to let go. It hurts. It hurts even after many years. The fact that I remember all of them, even till today, proves that it always stays.

I wonder. I wonder how people let go of relations so easily. As I grow on in my adult life, I realize how difficult it is to create the same, easy relations that we used to have in childhood, in teenage life. Hence, I don’t want to let go of those relationships at all. There was lot of time and energy that went in building them. And just a misunderstanding, or a disagreement is not enough to waste it all. We don’t have the time any more to create those kind of solid bonds and understanding. The lifestyles, the complex living conditions that we live in, don’t leave any scope for it.

Or maybe, they do understand it and still think its not worth it.

I like people. I like talking to people. Exchanging thoughts, philosophies. Talking about my random ideas and their responses to it. I feel for their pain. I feel their happiness equally. That makes me a social person. But, I would rather call myself an open person. I don’t hide my thoughts, my problems, my views. I don’t poke into your problems, your lives either. I try not to. I specifically try not to pry into your personal lives. I just try and be there, if you need to talk to me. As a friend.

I wish I could just be the same old person I was. In a circle of a few friends. People, who knew me, understood me, and didn’t judge me. If  I hurt them, they would lash back at me than give up. The adult world is fake. Social means fake. Where you say things to please people. To be in their good books. Agree with them no matter what you feel.

When I reach such points, I so feel that Tarun is so perfect a person. He’s considered an asocial guy. Doesn’t talk much to people. Concentrates on his work, most of the time. He likes to participate, but gets involved in it just that much. No friends, and yet a whole gamut of friends.

I don’t think I could ever be that way. Maybe I never should be that. I’ll just be what I am. Unrepentant. And stop judging myself for it. Before I ask people to stop judging me, I should stop judging myself.

Dear God, be with me!

-Hope