Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Depressiom, Dreams, Love, Patience, Personal, Philosophy, Uncategorized

Why marry?

In this fast pace world, where people have more social life on internet than real, life means mostly about goals and targets and money and living-the-high-life. Simple pleasures like watching your kids grow, or tending your garden have become the old-fashioned, outdated thing. You’re enjoying and ‘living’ life only if you’re doing awesome-ly well in your career, going up-and-up in the ladder, socialize with the high-circuit people over marathons or late-night parties.

In such high-pace fast urban life, people are slowly moving away from family, kids, and marriage. I have too many youngsters around me who question me on why should a person marry at all? And when life is less than perfect in your own married life (think of loads of clothes waiting for you back home after a long, hectic day at work), you tend to ask yourself the same question  – why marry?

So, I decided to list down what marriage brings to one’s life. Whether that makes it worthy for you or not, is well, your choice. Here goes mine:

A routine: Well, of course, doesn’t everyone hate that itself, in a marriage!? But trust me when I say, when my mind goes insane with all the hell that’s breaking lose at work or in family-drama episodes, the only thing that brings me sanity is that I MUST fulfill my routine. There are certain tasks which I must do and I cannot run away from them. Those responsibilities may seem crucifying at times, but those same duties save me when my mind just wants me to run away or hide in a closet away from the world.

If I was unmarried and all on my own, I am sure I have enough ways in my head, to dessicate myself in a cabinet. Just to get rid of the problems at hand. When you’re alone and not responsible for anybody, it is so easy to break the routine and just loop inside your hell-hole, for days, or weeks, forever.

A guarantee: In the life where nothing comes with a guarantee, knowing that there is one person who I know inside out, is a relief. In this world, people change with time. It’s a given. Having spent each day with one person, I know the changes in this one person, I know the person. And, no matter what changes around me, there is this one inner-circle, where I know what to expect. No matter how much you fight, no matter how much you hate certain traits of this person, and vice versa, you know you’re family. And you’ll be accepted. Despite there’s never complete acceptance, but there’s no running away. So, even if I’m at my darkest, evil-most, they have seen it. And, it’s not new. And, we commit to stick with each other.

You can’t do this for random people. Or, people who came in your life like some months ago. You do that, or feel that, only when you have a sense of history, a pact to go forever.

A history: I know couples bring the history in their fights. And, that’s what people hate about relationships. But, history is not just about accusations. History also includes experiences. I find the history a reminder. A reminder of how much you’ve gone through together. And, survived. Life’s been a roller-coaster ever since I got married. So many changes. So many upheavals. But, when it all ends, time passes, and I look back, it surprises me that we survived it all. And, we survived it together. So, there must be something special. Building such a relationship requires sticking together for years. This is not something you build in months or an year.

The cliched steps to follow: People often say that the world conspires against you by giving you a set pattern of living your life. School, then college, then job, then marriage, then kids, house, marry the kids. etc etc. Yes, it’s cliched. I have followed the steps in my life.

Whether I wanted or not, well it doesn’t matter anymore, because I followed the steps.

But, I think it liberates me. Now, with my child-bearing responsibility done, I’m free to explore my world of opportunities. Yes, the family brings certain limitations, but the circumstances always bring some adversaries. So, I don’t think family is ever a limitation, if you really wanted to pursue or achieve something.

Plus, having followed the steps, I know, even if I fail in any experiment in my life further, I’ll always have what I’ve built. So, the family, the house, the degrees that I’ve already earned, no one can take that from me. And, it adds to my advantage while taking chances.

So, in a way, all in all, what I’m saying is there are always two sides to the coin. Which side you chose to look at, is your choice.

Love,

Hope

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Posted in Growth, Learning, Love, Personal, Philosophy, Relationships, Self-growth, Uncategorized

Unequivocally

Remember the lines?

Waterwater everywhere, / Nor any drop to drink’ from the poem ‘The Rime of the Ancient Mariner’? The sailor was stuck in sea, surrounded by salt water, and had no water to drink.

Well, I feel the same way. Just with people. The world is overflowing with people. The population is growing at alarming rates and if you’re living in the developing nations like us, then you can practically see the overflow in front of your bleeding eyes.

And yet, we have reached that point in civilization, where people are more connected virtually, than in real.

I ache to find one person, just one person whom I can talk my heart out. With no fear of judgement, or payback, or consequences. You may have a plethora of relations – parents, spouse, kids, friends, co-workers, helping staff, and what not. But, is there anyone with whom you share everything? With whom you don’t filter?

Perhaps if you’re a teenager/kid, who still lives in the innocent world, this may hold true.

I recently talked and accepted my darkest fears and wants to a complete stranger. She was a Tarot Card Reader. I don’t know if I believe in her predictions/readings. I just needed to pour out my fears. I perhaps just needed to accept the state I was in, to myself.

I didn’t cry. I didn’t joke about it.

I just stated the facts. Some of them were rude, mean, pure selfish, dark thoughts.

When I returned home, I was surprised to think of how openly and freely I said all those things to her. She was also a pretty good listener. I give her credit for not letting her body language give away her judgement. Neither did her words. She just listened. And that was the best thing anyone could give anyone in pain. A listening ear.

But, I want to know, why do I need any listening ear? Why is it so important to have some other human being listen to your ramblings? It doesn’t change anything. The person can make no changes to your situation. The resolutions, if they give, will probably not work in the complicated thing called life. They don’t even have the complete perspective of your situation. No one has lived your life. No one will ever be able to fill your shoes and look at things the way you do. So, why is it so important to know what other(s) think? Why do I have this primal need of acceptance from another human being? And, when I already know that it’s impossible to be completely and totally accepted in this world, by anyone.

When will I be enough for myself? When will I love myself unequivocally? I wish I could.

Posted in Adult Life, Depressiom, Personal, Uncategorized

Looming diaries

Qatra qatra jeete the, qatra qatra marte Hain,

Zindagi hi Zindagi se Zindagi ko le gayi

“Lived every moment, now we die each one; Life took the life out of life.”

Dear Diary

There was a time when life was simple. It was about enjoying all moments of life. Enjoying the simple pleasures of life. Eating your favorite food, celebrating good marks in unit-tests with ice-cream, laughing loud on lame jokes, passionately strong friendships.

There were people around me who found life difficult, boring or complex even then when I enjoyed life. I was the most smiling person in the group. I would greet everybody with a smile no matter how crappy my day was going. I would look at the positives all time.

I still do. I still try at least.

But, with life passing, and experiences happening, with you becoming mature, even simple pleasures have become difficult to come by. I now seem to be just following routine. An evening of singing to yourself – even that makes me surprised that I’m actually having fun.

I think my mind is going senile. It keeps playing tricks on me. Not with one thought or problems but just like that, the mood never feels relaxed or happy. There’s a loom.

It seems the life happening to me has taken the soul out of my life.

I wish to give a happy person to my family. A smiling, content, happy person. I realize that is the best thing one can give to their family.

-Hope

Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Challenges, Dreams, Growth, Love, Personal, Philosophy, Self-growth, Uncategorized

3 Cheers to a Wow Life!

Dear Diary,

A lot has happened and a lot is playing since we last talked. My brother got married. I’m probably making a home for myself. I got what I wanted at work. It seems like I’m building my life the way I wanted. Or, perhaps, life is leading me in a certain direction.
Marriage of a sibling grows you up in unimaginable ways. You’re partly an adult in the same genre as your parents. You’re supposed to make/partake decisions that only your parents worried about. But now, with you married and all, you have some ideas or opinions to contribute. With parents ageing, you’re expected to be on top of things far more than they ever had been. Yet, you catch yourself short from becoming one of the bickering, meddling kinds.
I can say, after all has happened, that my brother’s wedding was a milestone in my life and it changed me. In lot of aspects. It brought me a sense of responsibility. And, I did well.
While it was on, the career progress was on a major fast track. So, it meant juggling too many balls at the same time. But man! Did I enjoy it or what!? Not all is finished, but I feel a certain lull in my life. I realized I like the chaos and ball-juggling 😀
Leaves me no time to think.
As I stand back and look at my life, I go like – Wow! Where I was, what I was and where have I reached! It’s surreal. It’s amazing. My 10-yr old self who felt so unsure and incapable, I can say ‘Hi-Five’. It’s been a wow journey so far. And, if I have it my way, I have a long long way to go and my heart is set.
Love,
Hope
Posted in Adult Life, Dreams, Growth, Personal, Philosophy, Relationships, Self-growth, somethin bout God n me, Uncategorized

Diary Entries

Dear Diary,

How are you? Life is going on. Just as it always does. Doesn’t let me be! 🙂
We continue to make plans and life continues to dump them, left, right and center. But, that’s the way it will be. And, that’s the way one has to accept it. Something will click and we’ll call it an achievement. Or, call it fate.
Festive season is approaching. I’m looking forward to it. After a long year of upheavals, uncertainties, and confusions, I am trying to understand what I want, how to deal with failures, live with losses or sadness, as the bouts come and go. Currently, I feel myself in a state of suspension – no attachment, no pain, no fear of future, no concern about losing what I have, no interest in gaining something either. It’s like a state of passing through and let life happen.

I am not sure if I should call this a state of peacefulness.I have never felt this before. It has always been about aiming, working, failing or achieving. It has always been about on-the-move, constantly. This phase of no aims, nowhere to go, is new and not entirely comfortable. Unknown territory, I guess. So, whether it’s bad or good, I cannot say. It does make me uncomfortable. Am I being lazy and just procrastinating my life away? Or, this thing of not worrying about things, is actually moving towards spirituality and inner-peace?
I recently had a conversation with a junior girl at my office. She’s a Jain and into spirituality. She mentioned about how Jainism is about minimalism. About being content with whatever less you have. Of making your body and mind be happy and satisfied with most minimum of things. Of not even worrying about the body and the pain. Of becoming only a soul which is connected to the supreme force.

Jainism is hard to follow with all the rules. There are so many restrictions. That’s all it means to an outsider. This insider perspective, I have only received now. And, it makes so much sense. I liked the idea of minimalism. Of decluttering the life. In a way, removing the various ‘moh’ from life. ‘Moh’ or attachment to foods, to pleasures, to people, to needs, to self. All of it. None of it.
This new-found thought is comforting. It’s soothing to my always running mind. It helps me not worry too much about the consequences of our actions. Of our decisions. There are quite a few decisions we are making these days. I am not entirely sure which way I want to go. It’s a cross-road. But, I have realized whichever way it goes, it doesn’t matter. Life will happen. There will be issues. There will be some happy moments too. Whatever. Doesn’t matter.
Take Care!
Hope

 

Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Growth, Personal, Philosophy, Self-growth, Uncategorized

What is it about youth? 

Look around and you see people ‘worshipping’ youth. The age group of 18-29. Approximately. The golden age of youth.

The ones who are younger, wait for the time when they will grow up and experience it. The ones who are older and over with it, try hard to keep it. Whether it’s by trying to dress up that way, or it’s by trying to look the way. To act, opine, eat, live…anything and everything is controlled, driven by youth and what it entails.

As I finally admit to myself that the glorious youth time of mine is over, I look back and wonder. I wonder what it was about youth that makes it so desirable!?

Yes, it meant being healthy. Not to worry about aching joints or bulging tummies because you ate pizza yesterday. The metabolism is good and your body is able to accept all that. But that can be achieved or maintained even later.  By choosing a healthy lifestyle. What else?

I think the answer is personal. May change from person to person. For me, this is what I miss apart from above, of course! –

It meant being more desirable. It meant being the center of positive attention without even trying. All the time. All places.

It meant having complete confidence in my decisions and choices.  The unabashed faith you have in your ideas, decisions and choices was a-ma-zing! I miss it.

Life brings regrets and failures.  They make you worry about failing more. More than the rush, the thought of success brings. Youth and young age is free of those experiences. And it brings a carefree arrogance that makes you believe you can fly.

And, fly I want to.

It doesn’t matter what tomorrow holds. It doesn’t really matter whether the plan will succeed or fail. What matters is I tried. What matters is the exhilaration the experience will bring.  And for that, I want to try.

Not worry.

Just open my wings one more time and take a leap of faith and jump!

<Bliss>

-Hope

Posted in Challenges, Personal, Philosophy, Self-growth, somethin bout God n me, Uncategorized

Of rocky times and reflections

Dear Diary,

Can I say life has never been more indecisive for me . I would like to believe, rather I do believe, that something amazing is about to happen but it’s taking a little more time. But, what if I’m wrong? What if, this is the reality and it is to stay that way? What if it continues this way till it breaks me? Is there anything which breaks a person? Truly, completely, shattering? I think sudden incidents can do that but gradual dismal life..? I think it only makes you bitter and perennially sad. That is where this seems to be heading – perennial sadness.

I remember being in such a phase before. It was when I was living with my in-laws. I know it was a state of depression. Had I visited a doctor, he would have put me on pills. Or, maybe not! Maybe, I am just a self-absorbed snob who gives too much importance to one’s feelings and state of being. Maybe nothing is actually wrong but I’m an old lady who keeps feigning sickness to get some more attention.

Sigh!

Another dilemma. Another inconclusive chain of thoughts.

In the meanwhile, I reflect and find some interesting observations:

1. There are five senses of the body – Brain(Mind/Thoughts), Eyes(Vision), Ears(Listen), Nose(Smell) and Skin(Touch). Gita tells us one must learn to control the senses than the other way round. One must not be a slave to the senses (which I totally am). Did you notice that the mind is part of those senses, but heart is not?

Often one is in a dilemma because mind and heart are at cross-ends. Most often heart is where we want to go but mind tells us otherwise. Are the scriptures trying to tell us something here?

2. Most of the idols at old places – like Vaishno Mata Mandir, or Shiva temple at Amarnath, or Hanuman murti at Marghat wale baba mandir at Kashmere Gate, or Khatu Shyam ji, Rajasthan, and many more. They all are almost a stone with eyes/hands/nose etc sketched on them. Basically, in their original form, they are just stones.

Can we say that initial forms of God were actually stone. So, basically, man originally believed that if he put a stone and ‘believed’ that his God almighty lives in it, it will be so. The stone will have the power to do miracles in his life somehow. And, it did. It must have because that’s why we have so many people visiting this place because the faith gave results. So, long before, Hinduism fell to the hands of idol-worship, it was actually a religion of faith. Where the faith was more powerful than the figurine being worshipped. It was the idea, the thought and the belief that some power is bigger than me, and if I call out to that power each day, it will help me solve my problems.

I wish we could go back to that form of worship again. It would resolve so many conflicts the world faces today.

-Hope