Posted in GrowingUpKids, Growth, Learning, Letters to Anay, Love, Parenting, Patience, Personal, Relationships, somethin bout God n me

Stop parenting your kids

When Anay was born and was perhaps, a few days old, I realized something. I found how a ball of mass, with a drum beating inside him, with every pulse, has been put into my hands. A gullible, innocent, extremely fragile thing who’s my responsibility to protect and to care.

And, I found myself immediately incapable.

It was easier protecting him when he was inside me, still in womb. I just needed to take care of 100 things to take care of my body. But now, it was outside me and the 100 had multiplied 100 times over.

What all can you take care? Food, Poop, Mosquitoes, Vaccines..sure. But, what about dangers like people, accidents, unawares. There’s a caring physically but what about the emotional care. How do you save him from all the world hatred and hardships that we’re inevitably going to follow? How do you ensure he never falls off the bed while sleeping because you went for a leak mid-night? How do you guarantee that no bully ever set his/her hands on him? How do you make sure that he never falls sick? How do you ensure that he’s never snatched away from you….

The answer is no matter what you do, you can’t.

And in that moment, I realized something else. He’s God’s child and God’s to protect him. I’m nothing but a medium that was to bring him into this universe. The incidents, the experiences, he’s destined for, in his life, are his own. You can stand and be witness to those. You can pray for God to be gentle and kind to him. You can hope to be there and help him out of any situation but you cannot be in control of it, anytime.

So, after that moment, I don’t try to control his life. I don’t try to control what he’s becoming or what he’s chosing. I let him chose and just try to make him aware, wherever I can. I stand witness. I stand just around for him to hold in case he needs me. Just so he knows I have his back at all times. But, I don’t believe, at any point of time, that I’m in charge of him. I dont believe that I’m in charge of his fate.

And, hence, I selfishly take. Than worry about giving. I enjoy whatever time I get with him. Cherish it, knowing it’s timed. He’ll grow up and have his own life, and move on. I enjoy spoiling him, giving him all of my unadulterated love. Kiss him as much as I can. Tell him uninhibitedly in long passages/monologues on how beautiful a child he’s and how fortunate I’m to be his mother. I enjoy the difficult dramas he throws at me because I know it’s part of growing up and I’ll miss it when he grows up. Enjoy the shenanigans. Enjoy the manipulation. Enjoy the tantrums too. They won’t last forever.

I just want him to know, at all times in his life, whether I’m by his side or not, that he was/is loved. Unconditionally. Not for his achievements or good habits or good looks. Just for being himself.

And with that, I think, he can conquer any situation, any world that comes his way.

Dear God, please be with him at all times.

-Hope

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Posted in Dreams, Growth, Learning, Love, Personal, Philosophy, Random Ramblings, Self-growth, Society, Travel

Beautiful in my own way

Dear Diary,

I’m sitting at the PDX airport, waiting to start my long journey back home. But the mind is hassle-free, relaxed. Too many thoughts crossing it. Let me try just pen them down.

1. Love thy city. I can’t pen this for my own city but Oregon City speaks this to me:

Love me when it rains endlessly and you feel gloomy because there’s been no sunshine.

Love me for the tall trees which make it so green that you get sick of green in the end.

Love the icy-chilly winters.

Love the emptiness. Love the quiet riverside opposite. Love the bustling downtown too with all the buildings under-construction.

Love me in all forms. Love me like you love your lover. Because I’m ‘your’ city. And I’m beautiful in my own way.

2. Books are the best friend but they’re not best while traveling. They take away the experience of quietly enjoying the surroundings. Instead of absorbing the new place I’m visiting, I end up getting absorbed by the book. So, I rest my book for a while and let the surroundings and thoughts take over me .

3. Paradoxical: I often have the thought that by the time I reach the end of my life, I would have reversed my personality. I love who I am right now. Outgoing, social, talkative, meeting and befriending new people. But, when the crest of an experience/wave passes, I feel silly. The quiet takes over and I feel that’s ‘the real deal’. Being an introvert. No people. Just you. Being like a river. Everything from the light breeze to a storm touch you but you remain same. Unperturbed, in the end. Same way, be a river. Meet as many people as you may. But don’t let it move you- whether positively or negatively. Know your truth. Stick to it. Believe it.

Speak less. Observe more. Absorb as much as possible.

4. After a long spell of downward spiral, I find myself rising again. I feel much lighter, happier, doing things I want to do. Not worrying about the world or consequences, per se. My current being reminds me of myself in school days. Dancing, studying hard, center of attention. Lively innocent girl, with the world ahead to conquer.

I find the people around me wondering, looking at me in awe, maybe snickering at me behind me. But I don’t care. I love myself this way. I may not be the best version in a role I partake, but I am happy being this version of Hope. Myself. Alive. Living every minute of my life. Doing exactly what I want to.

And I intend to do exactly this for the rest of my life. Let this be my life’s mantra.

Love,

Hope

Posted in Adult Life, Crush, Love, Personal, Sapiosexual

Hearty heady mixtures

I must be mad! Or really desperate. I just find a new muse every week. And each one makes my heart play a different tune. Sometimes, it’s a heady margarita burning my throat, some other days it’s like a cold lemonade belching my thirst. Some make my heart jump up crests and mountains. Some make me feel like a twirling ballerina.

But each one fades away. Some are a day’s worth. Some last a week. I don’t remember which one lasted a month. But that’s probably the maximum expiry date.

And the best/worst part is it’s all in my head! Nothing actually happens. I enjoy the feelings my head and heart spin out, while it lasts, till it lasts. And then, like a cherished book which reaches it’s last pages, I savour it and put it down to rest.

Returning back to the book called reality.

Posted in GrowingUpKids, Growth, Indian, Learning, Love, Parenting, Patriotism, Personal, Uncategorized

Role Play between Anay and Tarun

Dear Diary,

We went on a small getaway trip recently. There, Anay and Tarun played a role-play activity where they write to each other. Anay is going/gone to Moon on a mission while Tarun is writing to him from Earth/India/Noida. Read on, my 7-yr old’s thoughts.

Anay: I am going to Moon from India not for US side. But I need a Good Luck. Can you please give me an idea from who I can take?

Papa:

Dear Anay,
It was lovely and surprising to get your message in middle of night. I am really happy to know that you are going to Moon missing from India.
Dear Son, my best wishes are always with you. But, I want to tell you that, not only me, but whole India is looking at you. They all are praying for your take-off and waiting to hear your success stories.
I am sure that my son will make it big.

Love,
Papa and Mamma 🙂

Anay: Okay, I already have a trip to Noida on the coming Friday.
Papa: That’s wonderful Dear!
Anay: Yeah! My Mission was great. Have you got the news of me?
Papa: Dear Anay, Yes of course I saw the news. I was on TV the whole day. God bless you! Waiting to see you soon.

Posted in Dreams, Growth, Learning, Personal, Philosophy, Self-growth, Travel, Uncategorized

By the river Ganges

I’m out on an office off-site. The resort we’re staying at is right next to the river Ganges.

This trip has been a lot of firsts for me. I’m out without family, with office folks. Usually before this, the families were invited so it became more of a family trip paid by the company. If team-building is the agenda, it has to be sans family.

I’ve never been so close to a serene water body. Beaches and oceans is a very different experience than rivers. I’m so addicted to the sound of river water gushing, the view of ripples, the expanse of water – the thing a river is, the feeling is profound and awakening.

I recently finished reading Siddhartha by Herman Hesse and it has a long passage of experience with the river. I can so feel it flowing through my veins, through my breath. The view filling my soul, cleansing it, hopefully.

I went for nature walk and I saw quite a few types of vegetations – rice, bottle gourd, bhaang, phali… I found an open ghaat where the locals come for some quiet and general chit-chat in the morning. This is as early as 6 in the morning. I saw jugnoo lighting up the night together with the Stars.

Ohh, and the birds! How can I forget the birds. Chirping, flying around finding twigs for their nests during the day, and then drifting away to their homes at dawn. The parrots, the swans, the mynahs, the helicopters, the crickets, the unidentified, so many and yet so few.

I sang songs at karaoke, danced like a maniac wearing a onesie in front of my team-mates, played cards, flirted with the newbies, ran top-speed while playing with the team without wondering where the body parts (ahem!) are! Who’s watching and who isn’t.

Bedazzled the people. Throwing caution to the winds. Just being myself without thinking of consequences. Or that I’m a girl. Or that I’m a manager.

These two days have been magnificently beautiful. Liberating. Free.

And while I type this, watching over the Ganges, let me take a deep breath of fresh air, and live it a moment longer. Before I return to reality.

-Hope

Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Depressiom, Dreams, Love, Patience, Personal, Philosophy, Uncategorized

Why marry?

In this fast pace world, where people have more social life on internet than real, life means mostly about goals and targets and money and living-the-high-life. Simple pleasures like watching your kids grow, or tending your garden have become the old-fashioned, outdated thing. You’re enjoying and ‘living’ life only if you’re doing awesome-ly well in your career, going up-and-up in the ladder, socialize with the high-circuit people over marathons or late-night parties.

In such high-pace fast urban life, people are slowly moving away from family, kids, and marriage. I have too many youngsters around me who question me on why should a person marry at all? And when life is less than perfect in your own married life (think of loads of clothes waiting for you back home after a long, hectic day at work), you tend to ask yourself the same question  – why marry?

So, I decided to list down what marriage brings to one’s life. Whether that makes it worthy for you or not, is well, your choice. Here goes mine:

A routine: Well, of course, doesn’t everyone hate that itself, in a marriage!? But trust me when I say, when my mind goes insane with all the hell that’s breaking lose at work or in family-drama episodes, the only thing that brings me sanity is that I MUST fulfill my routine. There are certain tasks which I must do and I cannot run away from them. Those responsibilities may seem crucifying at times, but those same duties save me when my mind just wants me to run away or hide in a closet away from the world.

If I was unmarried and all on my own, I am sure I have enough ways in my head, to dessicate myself in a cabinet. Just to get rid of the problems at hand. When you’re alone and not responsible for anybody, it is so easy to break the routine and just loop inside your hell-hole, for days, or weeks, forever.

A guarantee: In the life where nothing comes with a guarantee, knowing that there is one person who I know inside out, is a relief. In this world, people change with time. It’s a given. Having spent each day with one person, I know the changes in this one person, I know the person. And, no matter what changes around me, there is this one inner-circle, where I know what to expect. No matter how much you fight, no matter how much you hate certain traits of this person, and vice versa, you know you’re family. And you’ll be accepted. Despite there’s never complete acceptance, but there’s no running away. So, even if I’m at my darkest, evil-most, they have seen it. And, it’s not new. And, we commit to stick with each other.

You can’t do this for random people. Or, people who came in your life like some months ago. You do that, or feel that, only when you have a sense of history, a pact to go forever.

A history: I know couples bring the history in their fights. And, that’s what people hate about relationships. But, history is not just about accusations. History also includes experiences. I find the history a reminder. A reminder of how much you’ve gone through together. And, survived. Life’s been a roller-coaster ever since I got married. So many changes. So many upheavals. But, when it all ends, time passes, and I look back, it surprises me that we survived it all. And, we survived it together. So, there must be something special. Building such a relationship requires sticking together for years. This is not something you build in months or an year.

The cliched steps to follow: People often say that the world conspires against you by giving you a set pattern of living your life. School, then college, then job, then marriage, then kids, house, marry the kids. etc etc. Yes, it’s cliched. I have followed the steps in my life.

Whether I wanted or not, well it doesn’t matter anymore, because I followed the steps.

But, I think it liberates me. Now, with my child-bearing responsibility done, I’m free to explore my world of opportunities. Yes, the family brings certain limitations, but the circumstances always bring some adversaries. So, I don’t think family is ever a limitation, if you really wanted to pursue or achieve something.

Plus, having followed the steps, I know, even if I fail in any experiment in my life further, I’ll always have what I’ve built. So, the family, the house, the degrees that I’ve already earned, no one can take that from me. And, it adds to my advantage while taking chances.

So, in a way, all in all, what I’m saying is there are always two sides to the coin. Which side you chose to look at, is your choice.

Love,

Hope

Posted in Growth, Learning, Love, Personal, Philosophy, Relationships, Self-growth, Uncategorized

Unequivocally

Remember the lines?

Waterwater everywhere, / Nor any drop to drink’ from the poem ‘The Rime of the Ancient Mariner’? The sailor was stuck in sea, surrounded by salt water, and had no water to drink.

Well, I feel the same way. Just with people. The world is overflowing with people. The population is growing at alarming rates and if you’re living in the developing nations like us, then you can practically see the overflow in front of your bleeding eyes.

And yet, we have reached that point in civilization, where people are more connected virtually, than in real.

I ache to find one person, just one person whom I can talk my heart out. With no fear of judgement, or payback, or consequences. You may have a plethora of relations – parents, spouse, kids, friends, co-workers, helping staff, and what not. But, is there anyone with whom you share everything? With whom you don’t filter?

Perhaps if you’re a teenager/kid, who still lives in the innocent world, this may hold true.

I recently talked and accepted my darkest fears and wants to a complete stranger. She was a Tarot Card Reader. I don’t know if I believe in her predictions/readings. I just needed to pour out my fears. I perhaps just needed to accept the state I was in, to myself.

I didn’t cry. I didn’t joke about it.

I just stated the facts. Some of them were rude, mean, pure selfish, dark thoughts.

When I returned home, I was surprised to think of how openly and freely I said all those things to her. She was also a pretty good listener. I give her credit for not letting her body language give away her judgement. Neither did her words. She just listened. And that was the best thing anyone could give anyone in pain. A listening ear.

But, I want to know, why do I need any listening ear? Why is it so important to have some other human being listen to your ramblings? It doesn’t change anything. The person can make no changes to your situation. The resolutions, if they give, will probably not work in the complicated thing called life. They don’t even have the complete perspective of your situation. No one has lived your life. No one will ever be able to fill your shoes and look at things the way you do. So, why is it so important to know what other(s) think? Why do I have this primal need of acceptance from another human being? And, when I already know that it’s impossible to be completely and totally accepted in this world, by anyone.

When will I be enough for myself? When will I love myself unequivocally? I wish I could.