Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Challenges, Growth, Personal, Relationships, Society, Uncategorized

Of choices

Dear Diary,

Life is back to normal again. After a long time of upheaval and uncertainties, it is where it was, and it seems, the sea is calm, yet again.

Normally, times of upheaval /difficulties usually signify the time of improvement, growth. So far, it usually ended with some significant change in my life – a milestone. This time, however, it hasn’t changed much. Maybe I hit the rock bottom and I am back to the surface, breathing, so that’s a big achievement! Not sure, though.

As I reflect on those times, I do try to gather what I learnt (coz there must be!). The first one and the only one so far, is it was all my choice. The times tested which way I go, and I made my choice. Whether it was about supporting my husband in his venture, or not-leaving my job for my ailing child (who is now fine), or not moving back to my in-laws house because of societal pressure, or about not-giving up when everything seemed to be going wrong at my job. I took a stand. I decided for myself. It didn’t seem so when it was all happening. But, now, I can see that that is how it all went.

As I always say – ‘ There is no right or wrong a choice. It is about what actions you follow it with, which decide whether the choice was wrong or right’.

So, when I did decide to move out of my in-laws house, it was a major decision. A decision which most would term as ‘wrong’, but by working extra-hard towards keeping the relations healthy, happy, I could heal them. I could make the decision right. Now, not only am I happy, they are able to find their happiness in this setup too. It wasn’t easy. Neither for me, nor for them. But, if the intentions are right, and if you value the relations, it does work out. Today, we’re considered a happy unit again (‘us’ and ‘them’ together).

When Anay fell sick, and had to be hospitalized, everyone questioned our decision of moving out. It made sense to keep the child home instead of sending him to the day care and opening him to so many infections. That was a time even my husband thought that it’s the right thing to do, to move back. But, I knew, I had made a choice. And, it was time to make the choice right. So, I decided that we won’t undo what we had done. I decided we will try to make it work by working it out with our offices. And, it seemingly did. It was tough. Both our careers were at stake. But, when you have a baby, you don’t have it to give away to your parents to take care. You take care of your child. And, if you cannot take care of him/her because of your career, then you need to figure out how to make it work. Not brush your hands off the child by handing over the responsibility. Yes, my child requires his grandparents and their love. He needs loads of them. I keep visiting. I let him have his way, a lot of times. But, I don’t want to use it as an excuse to get rid of my responsibility.

Because of this part-time story, my job went into a deep shit. Things went out of hand pretty suddenly. What came as a warning sounded more like a death bell. While moving to a different job was an obvious choice, it would have meant accepting defeat and letting go of all the hard work I had done in my past 4 years at the company. I was ready to move-on in terms of job. I wasn’t ready to leave on bad terms. I didn’t want to leave because I failed at the job I took. I wanted to prove I was worth it. I wanted to prove it was a phase that I went through.

‘And, it does not define me’.

It took a lot of courage, lot of self-introspection and letting go of personal limitations to get over it. It meant facing people head-on. Having arguments of personal level and yet keeping it totally professional. No tears, No emotions. They say, once relations go sour, it is almost impossible to mend them back. This time, I can say, I mended them. I would never be able to forget the scar, but I mended it enough so that I don’t have to run from my current situation. I can work. I can go to a happy place to work. And, if later, I want to switch because I would like to, professionally, then I would. But, for now, there’s no rush.

Well Well! So, that was my last adventure. And, as I see my calm sea again, I wonder and yawn. I wonder what the next adventure would be, and when it would be. Because Life is the only adventure which keeps my adrenaline high.

Hoping for a rocking life ahead! Coz I ain’t done yet! 😉

-Hope

Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Challenges, Growth, Personal, Philosophy, Self-growth, Society, Uncategorized

Losing hope

Dear Diary,

I find myself too confused lately. Unable to follow my conviction. 2016 was a hard-year. I’m not yet ready to write about it. Maybe I just want to forget it. Well, I know, they are invaluable lessons of my life. Part of my growing up. But, for now, the memories are too painful to talk about. A lot of it is full of guilt and self-realisations. Because of that, I no longer am able to trust my intuitions, my conviction, my mind, or my heart. This hasn’t happened since, well, 2009.

My astrology readings tell me that 2009 was my golden period. It was the time my Sun was in my favour. And, the phase was supposed to stay for 7 yrs. Those 7 yrs have come to an end (obviously). Even the bad phases, like Shani are supposed to stay for 7 yrs, but they seem to be never-ending. I was reflecting on what I achieved in those 7 yrs. In the good 7 yrs. If they were my golden 7yrs then perhaps those were my most productive years too. Well – I got married, gave birth to a wonderful child, found success in my job. Perhaps, enough to stay contented for a lifetime!

But, for me, it seems too little. Oh! I can never be happy! What else could I get to make myself happy!? Truly contented?

But tell me, will any person ever tell you that getting married was the biggest achievement of there life? From all that I’ve gathered from my married life, happiness in a relationship is a constant endeavour. Just because you were married to a great guy doesn’t guarantee you will be happy with each other forever! A lot is how you handle it later and if your ambitions and paths remain connected all life long. And becoming a mother, it’s the best feeling and a blessing, but with a child born every second, in India alone, I fail to feel lucky about it.

When I reflect on the time and feel dismal about not achieving anything, I wonder what I wanted? Honestly speaking, I wanted to find my passion. I wanted to reach to the profession that I was meant for. Even today, I wonder what if I had pursued that MBA after all. Despite achieving success in my profession, I don’t find myself feeling like – ‘I’ve arrived!’. I don’t see that urge to learn more, to try more, to give it more. It’s just work.

I again want to branch out and try. After being working for 10 yrs, it’s not easy shifting. It’s not just that you would need to work harder to make your mark, there is no guarantee you’ll be able to make your mark, your place, as you were able to make here. The thought of leaving the safety net, of taking the plunge without the rope, the risk is too high. And, that makes taking the plunge even harder. Tarun is obviously against it. He tries to urge me to think again, to continue where I am. I feel as if he’s already stopping me from moving ahead in life. I’m sure he’s also concerned about the safety net, just as I am, but I want him to support me in taking risks, just as I did, for him.

But, this is no barter system. You can’t expect the person to do you favours because you did some by them. It’s a common life for both of you. And each decision has repercussions on all our lives. Not just mine.

I feel old. This country, this setup, they make you feel old and done with, in 10 yrs of your work ex. You’re already amongst the ones who have been there for long. And you feel this void, of there’s nothing more for me to achieve or look up to.

I don’t want that. I want to live my life like there’s no end. Even when it is the end. I want that energy, that passion, that hope…of a tomorrow. Forever!

 

Posted in Ambitions, Growth, Personal, Self-growth, Society, Uncategorized

Let the spirit rise above the ashes

Dear Diary,

It happens, yet again. And I’m reminded of all things that passed. Simple incidents. Meaningless incidents. And yet they have a capacity of causing your entire being to fall back into its original state of helplessness and negative loops. Why! Why is the mind so fickle!? Perhaps it’s not the mind but the soul which needs empowerment. Empowerment to overcome the senses.

It is only you and you only who can stop that loop which your mind falls into. Those meaningless conversations which keep going on in your head have no other result but a heartache and a pertinent headache -both of which hurt only you. The conversations which never happened and will actually never happen. They change nothing. Of no consequence. If it is so troubling for you, go ahead and reach out to the person and do that conversation ‘actually’, in real. And, if you do not have the courage or do not believe the reason is important enough, then stop. Stop right there.

You Are Capable. You can stop this decay of your being if you put your mind to.

I resolve not to let my spirit become a slave to my senses.

I resolve not to let my tongue/taste force me to fall sick further.

I resolve not to let my mind force me to believe that I can never be fit again.

I resolve not to let my injuries force me to believe that I can never dance again.

As long as I live, I will live it full.

Just start working, Stop thinking.

-Hope

Posted in Uncategorized

And I turned 30..

Dear Diary,

On 25th November’2014, I turned 30. I am happy to have reached the mark. I no more worry about hiding my age. In my 27-29th year, I was getting shy about sharing my age as I felt I’m inching closer to the ‘old-age’. But now, I’m okay. I accept it and take pride in it, just the way I used to before. There are things I haven’t achieved yet, and there are a lot I’m glad I did. I would like to write down the things I’m thankful to God, as of today. I don’t know how Life would be going forward. I hope it is as good and kind towards me, as it has been so far. But, no matter what lies ahead, I would like this post to remain and remind me of how kind God has been to me, for the best part of my life.

1. Fulfilling, caring, dedicated, educated, humble parents, who gave me a lot, to pave the way for me.

2. A very good schooling, full of extra-curricular activities. They have defined me more than my studies. Definitely, the studies and the hard-work has got me so far, but the extra-curriculars give me the edge over others. The communication skills and the comfortability in being able to express my thoughts. It is something that really makes a difference in many areas of your life, personal or professional.

3. Marriage – I think it is the deal-maker/breaker for anyone’s life. If you’re married happily, you can win the world, and if you aren’t, no matter how much you win, you’ll never be happy. Finding Tarun as my husband, and his family as ‘my family’ has been the biggest blessing from God. A friend, an advisor, a complement, in every way. And, his parents, they are nothing like my parents, and I think that is what makes them totally a blessing. Had I not come from one extreme to another extreme, I would have never been able to appreciate the beauty and the positives/negatives of it all. It is hard, many times, and it still is, but the get-aways are far more than the losses. I’ll be more than happy to have this same setup, same thing, same way, in all further lives to come.

4. Career – Lots of turns, lots of upheavals. Nothing made sense when it was happening. And yet, all the pieces have come together so well now, that they never should have seemed wrong. All the bad things that were happening, they are a constant reminder to me on how people are stuck in a bad situation. They should never question their abilities or capabilities. The 4 yrs I spent in my first company, and the honesty with which I was working, and still none of it proved useful, that will always remind me how wrongly stuck I was. If they had not wasted me the way they did, if I had not divided my focus on multiple boats – of work and mba, perhaps I would have never reached the high-point I have. The low point made sure I was never satisfied unless I reached the high-point. I had to change 2 more companies to be here. One of them was as big as it can get and perhaps everyone thought I was a fool to leave it. But, I can’t tell you what a good decision it was.

I’m not yet at the top, but I’m on it’s way. And, I’m peaceful. It is not what defines me, it is not what will kill me if I lost it. It is just an achievement. A testimony to my abilities. And, I’m thankful to God for giving me these moments. If I have to quit it all tomorrow, I’m sure something better will be waiting ahead.

5. Wishes – There are so many of my wishes unfufilled yet. Home, Travel, Position of power, Anay’s education, Anay’s upbringing. They worry me some times. Many a times when I’m low, they haunt me and make me feel like a loser. But, trust me dear, they are just your negative thoughts gnawing at you. You have achieved a lot and you’ll achieve all of these too. It is only a matter of time and patience. How it happens, which way it happens, your way or some other way, things will shape up. So, don’t worry about them. Have faith. And, let things roll by while you enjoy the view. These are the things which should make you understand that ‘the movie is not over yet, my friend’. Life is yet to unfold and it has a few more fireworks to offer to you 🙂 Just wait and watch.

Thank you God!

Smiles,

Hope