Of choices

Dear Diary,

Life is back to normal again. After a long time of upheaval and uncertainties, it is where it was, and it seems, the sea is calm, yet again.

Normally, times of upheaval /difficulties usually signify the time of improvement, growth. So far, it usually ended with some significant change in my life – a milestone. This time, however, it hasn’t changed much. Maybe I hit the rock bottom and I am back to the surface, breathing, so that’s a big achievement! Not sure, though.

As I reflect on those times, I do try to gather what I learnt (coz there must be!). The first one and the only one so far, is it was all my choice. The times tested which way I go, and I made my choice. Whether it was about supporting my husband in his venture, or not-leaving my job for my ailing child (who is now fine), or not moving back to my in-laws house because of societal pressure, or about not-giving up when everything seemed to be going wrong at my job. I took a stand. I decided for myself. It didn’t seem so when it was all happening. But, now, I can see that that is how it all went.

As I always say – ‘ There is no right or wrong a choice. It is about what actions you follow it with, which decide whether the choice was wrong or right’.

So, when I did decide to move out of my in-laws house, it was a major decision. A decision which most would term as ‘wrong’, but by working extra-hard towards keeping the relations healthy, happy, I could heal them. I could make the decision right. Now, not only am I happy, they are able to find their happiness in this setup too. It wasn’t easy. Neither for me, nor for them. But, if the intentions are right, and if you value the relations, it does work out. Today, we’re considered a happy unit again (‘us’ and ‘them’ together).

When Anay fell sick, and had to be hospitalized, everyone questioned our decision of moving out. It made sense to keep the child home instead of sending him to the day care and opening him to so many infections. That was a time even my husband thought that it’s the right thing to do, to move back. But, I knew, I had made a choice. And, it was time to make the choice right. So, I decided that we won’t undo what we had done. I decided we will try to make it work by working it out with our offices. And, it seemingly did. It was tough. Both our careers were at stake. But, when you have a baby, you don’t have it to give away to your parents to take care. You take care of your child. And, if you cannot take care of him/her because of your career, then you need to figure out how to make it work. Not brush your hands off the child by handing over the responsibility. Yes, my child requires his grandparents and their love. He needs loads of them. I keep visiting. I let him have his way, a lot of times. But, I don’t want to use it as an excuse to get rid of my responsibility.

Because of this part-time story, my job went into a deep shit. Things went out of hand pretty suddenly. What came as a warning sounded more like a death bell. While moving to a different job was an obvious choice, it would have meant accepting defeat and letting go of all the hard work I had done in my past 4 years at the company. I was ready to move-on in terms of job. I wasn’t ready to leave on bad terms. I didn’t want to leave because I failed at the job I took. I wanted to prove I was worth it. I wanted to prove it was a phase that I went through.

‘And, it does not define me’.

It took a lot of courage, lot of self-introspection and letting go of personal limitations to get over it. It meant facing people head-on. Having arguments of personal level and yet keeping it totally professional. No tears, No emotions. They say, once relations go sour, it is almost impossible to mend them back. This time, I can say, I mended them. I would never be able to forget the scar, but I mended it enough so that I don’t have to run from my current situation. I can work. I can go to a happy place to work. And, if later, I want to switch because I would like to, professionally, then I would. But, for now, there’s no rush.

Well Well! So, that was my last adventure. And, as I see my calm sea again, I wonder and yawn. I wonder what the next adventure would be, and when it would be. Because Life is the only adventure which keeps my adrenaline high.

Hoping for a rocking life ahead! Coz I ain’t done yet! 😉

-Hope

Having kids early

A friend recently posted her thoughts on why people should have kids early in life. This is an interesting topic and I would like to post on the same too. These are my thoughts.

Pros:

1. Biological reasons: There’s no denying the fact that the chances of you not conceiving at all after a certain age increase, the further you delay it. You may not have those issues at all. You may have them. As far as I know, in my circle, anyone beyond 27 is facing issues. There are all sort of new-age diseases which are cropping up in this age, which were never known of,at such young age. 

Also, a woman’s body heals much better post-preg in younger age, than later.

2. Work: Normally, if you’re in the age bracket of 24-28, chances are you’re just starting to tread the managerial ladder in your company, and are in the nascent stage (maybe a team lead). Once you grow further on, the responsibilities on you increase and your ability to give more time at home, decrease. A child demands time and attention. If not given, the child will still grow but she’ll miss your time.

3. Child’s a graduate before you retire:  While the corporate culture lures you to believe that there is no upper limit of 60 to your retirement, the fact is that most people in corporate culture are tired of the stress by the age of 40, at max 50. And, you want your child to be settled in his career, or at least begin his career by the time you retire. So, simple maths (child settles at 23 which means you should not delay beyond 27).

I know this sounds so weird, even funny, but think it over and, if not all, some of it definitely makes sense.

4. Your parents : They are able to enjoy and even take care of  your child better, while you’re away. Right now, my FIL actually runs around the park catching the balloon of my son, while we watch. This should explain the point.

 

Cons:

1. Personal time, Couple time, Freedom: All of this goes down the drain once you have a child. Forget foreign trips, even trips to Pondicherry are screwed when you have a small kid. You cannot do impromptu trips coz u need to plan ahead for the child. You cannot just pack two things and leave, because you cannot forget her soap or cream or meds and what not. 

Forget spending time together with your husband over the weekend. Weekends or week-days, all your time is full of your child. She won’t sleep till you drop dead on the bed. She won’t like it if Dad is anywhere near her private, personal, only-hers Mamma.

I know, sounds horrendous at the outset. But, it’s not that bad. You tend to learn how to handle it AND manage to sneak out some time together. But, yes, it’s a big responsibility and definitely needs a lot of modification in your existing lifestyle. You cannot be the free-reeling, easy-going, independent person that you were. You have to be responsible for your child.

And, one look at her, and you’ll know that it’s all worth it, and not that big a trade-off.