Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Challenges, Uncategorized

Hurt, tired, but not broken yet

Dear Diary,

I feel a void. I feel noise. I feel chaos. I fee change. Everything is in turmoil and yet nothing is really changing physically.

I recently bought a house. Finally. After years and years of waiting, hunting, looking, and re-looking, we finally finalized on one and ‘settled’. The house is everything that I ever wished for. And more. 🙂

But, keeping the house beautiful, well, that’s another story. Some other day.

Life at work is beyond hectic. And, work-load is not the only thing that keeps it busy. There’s so much drama and happenings, I’ve started to wonder if I’ve become a real-life version of some TV series, like Suits. Pretty much, every week, there’s some news, some thing that happens which needs discussion, cajoling people, handling people’s drama, worrying about people leaving, worrying about hiring, worrying about working, worrying about not working at all. It seems life is a roller coaster even without much happening.

On the outside, there’s nothing really changing. But, I feel myself changing. With each episode of conflict or upheaval, I find myself getting distanced from people.

I thrive in people, I enjoy conversations and discussions. But now, it seems I need to stay away from people. And discussions. The less you talk, the lesser the chance of anyone lying to you. Of you realizing that somebody broke your trust. Of learning that you thought you were respected but actually, they don’t think so highly of you, after all. On the contrary, they perhaps think of you as a naive wannabe. People around me share secrets with each other. They practically share details which they shouldn’t be sharing with anyone at work, at all. And, they share it with people casually. Without any promises of keep-it-to-yourself. But, I am in no such circles. I have no one coming to me with their secrets. Probably, it’s a two-way street and since I don’t hand-out such details, no one comes to me with them either. But, I feel a breach of trust there too.

Am I being too emotional and expecting a little too much from people. Am I even cut out for the role I’ve taken?

I find the job making changes to me. My persona, my values, my limits. I wanted that, yes. But, am I ready to take in all changes? I’m not sure. Sometimes, when I look at people ahead of me, in this path that I’ve chosen, I don’t really like the samples. I don’t want to become any one of them. But, something tells me, no one is same, even after taking the same path. So, perhaps, I’ll create something new. I’ll make some different choices. But, will I be able to do a good job of it? Will I be a better example by the time I finish, or would I have created another sample of what-not-to-become?

Only one way to find out.

– Hope

 

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Posted in Adult Life, Ambitions, Challenges, Fake, Growth, Hatred, Jealousy, Love, Philosophy, Self-growth, Society

Why hatred is expensive but love comes cheap

Becoming a Manager is one thing but living the life of a Manager is not easy. In India, where if you want to grow in your career, you’ve no choice but to become a Manager, this becomes even tougher. You don’t have the luxury of following your passion. The Darwin’s theory of ‘survival of the fittest’ plays a major role in deciding how your career and future will shape up. And, if survival needs you to become a Manager, then so you shall be.

I was never forced into Management, I wanted it. I dreamt of it. And now, when I’m living the life, I realise – everything comes with a price tag.

So, I interact with people and deal with ego-clashes, mean attitudes, backstabs – all in a span of the day. And it seems to be getting to me. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night feeling depressed about the guy who didn’t join. Or, the guy who did¡ Sometimes, sleeping becomes an issue. You remember all the things people said. You remember all things you tried to do for the team member who decided to ditch you, when it was finally seeming to be working out. And now when you’ve become an adult, you no longer have the blessing of ignorance. You can actually differentiate between people who’re actually nice to you and those who’re smiling to your faces but snickering at you behind your back. That gets to you too.

For how long do you keep telling yourself that it’s only job and it doesn’t matter. How long do you give people the benefit of doubt. For how long you accept that everyone is fallible and everyone is gullible? There comes a time when the mind shrieks – “What about me?”

You seek revenge. You feel like doing tit for tat. You feel like being as mean to people as they have been to you. Show them you’re not a door mat! Show them you’re not the fool they can take for a ride every time. You won’t be used anymore! Now, I’ll use and throw!

And, it makes you sleepless even further. Your heart is hurting with all the anger and your mind is busy plotting ideas on how to get back to that bitch/moron. The sleepless nights now turn into days of mulling and conniving. And, you see evil everywhere.

Bahh!

And then, realisation strikes! You are wasting so much time on a person who deserved not even an iota of your time or energy any further. You burnt and boiled your blood. You wasted all those minutes thinking of doing something that’ll perhaps have no or little impact on the person. All the time that you could have enjoyed with your work or your loved ones or enjoying the beauty around you, you wasted on hatred.

And I remember my own words from the past – ” Hatred is a two way sword. The harder you push into the other person, the more it tears your own soul”.

Singing the song – “Where is the time to hate, there is so little time to love!”

-Hope

Posted in Ambitions, Challenges, Growth, Personal, Philosophy, Self-growth, Uncategorized

Of goals and patience

Dear Diary,

Life is full of learnings and experiences, one only needs to look. One needs to keep one’s eyes open and heart and mind ready to accept the revelation. 

I’ve been meaning to write since quite some time now but either the time wasn’t available or the subject wasn’t strong enough. In the past few months, I’ve gone from states of agitation, anger, stress, confusion, to finally, peace and understanding. I guess I wrote in my previous posts of how I had been dissatisfied from my work and management. The state kept coming and going. At least that’s what I thought. My manager gave me some feedbacks which kind of explained his behaviour in past months. Now, when I reflect, he was kind of justified. It is sad that it turned so sour. I hope I’m able to fix it in coming few weeks/months/years.

This was the first time I kept patience. First time I waited long enough to understand where I was wrong. Before this, each time there’s trouble or something which was not to my liking, I would be running to fix it. 

You know, it’s normal human tendency to blame others before oneself. Also, common human nature to chose the escape route than to face the problem. So, when I’m running and finding solutions, my mind is actually working towards finding the escape route. The moment you find it, you think you solved the problem…eureka! But, actually you never let the mind reach to the real problem. And, that’s where patience comes into play. Patience.

Patience.

This one word has kept me frustrated and boggled for a real long time. I’ve had so many well-meaning people, at various stages of my life, tell me to keep patience, and the advise would always frustrate me even further. 

This time was the first time when I knew my mind has always had a way of running, and I was determined not to take any decision in haste. I don’t know if this is called patience but this is the first time ever in my life that I’ve waited so long before taking a decision. 

I don’t know if the decision will turn out to be right or wrong in the long term but I’m amazed by the journey of this so far. It is new, untouched territory for me. Of indecisiveness. Of sticking. Of learning I was wrong. Of learning what sticking brings with it.

I have now arrived to a new territory. A place where the goal is not the end of the journey, but the beginning of it.

As is the case with most city-bred kids, since long life has been about keeping goals and working towards them. Topping in class, getting admission into a good college, getting a good job, getting that salary bracket, becoming a manager. 

Well, now, I realise, goals are actually not the end but the beginning. Unfortunately no one tells you that but most goals are. Topping the class is not a goal you achieve once and get over with, it implies you ought to work double-hard on maintaining the position. And same is true for all the rest. I, sadly, learnt it with you last – management. It had been a dream for so long. But, when I achieved it, I was baffled and sad on ‘what next?’ 

Last week, someone showed me the ‘next’ and after the conversation….. I was embarrassed!… that someone needed to tell me that. He told me on what all I could work on, now when I’m the manager. And, I found he told me nothing new but all that was my job. I had been worrying and whining about such petty issues. About further recognition. About my personal glory. I never understood what it means to become a manager. 

Becoming a manager is not a goal, it is a milestone, it is a responsibility. It’s the stepping stone to becoming an amazing, wonderful, exemplary leader. It is the starting of the journey where you define the next stone you and the team takes. It is about letting go of your ego at each step and thinking about the team, each time. 

So, now, I’m going to do exactly that. Do justice to the roles I’ve taken. 

–  Focus on making a team which is exemplary.

– Making the best of motherhood.

– Making a house a home. 🙂

 Lord, be with me!
Gratefully yours,

Hope